Christmas was tense. Since both of our parents knew that we were pregnant there was nothing good to say; so nothing was said at all. So, we all sat at the table ate food and looked at each other. We eat dinner at his parent’s house, then we visited my sister apartment and ate more food there.
My sister broke the tension. She suggested: You know what we should do, we should go to the movies next weekend…that should be fun right!? OOOHHH ! Maybe we could see Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events; that would be great for all of us plus we and take the kids!
With her suggestion it was like a weight was lifted off of our shoulders, but maybe a lot more then, at that time we realized.
The holidays flew by us and it seemed that people were getting more excited about the new person that would enter our families. I remember my sister rubbing my belly and saying, Hi little baby in there. And then I felt a flutter. I smiled!
New Year’s weekend came and our extend family came to our house and they stared at me. And then asked: what is that? You’re pregnant? Why didn’t you tell us? When are you due? What are you having? How many months are you? I was being interrogated.
What do I do?
I was so shocked by their surprise, all I could do is turn red and smile with embarrassment. Then my dad turns and says, Yah, we just found out too, dunno what she’s having, it’s a surprise. I think she’s due sometime in March.
Yup! That’s right. I’m thinking it, but could only smile again with embarrassment. And once again I got a disappointing looks. This time I didn’t know if it was because I didn’t tell them or if they were truly disappointed in me. That night was awkward.
January 3rd 2005, I believe was the Sunday after New Year’s Day that year. Which was the day of the movie outing. I was so looking forward to it! Right before we had gotten to the movie theater I enjoyed a glorious cup of a starbucks coffee; that I hadn’t had in over 5 months. *sigh* It was great, by the way, and I’ll forever remember that cup.
By the time we started walking from our car to the theater doors, I got nauseous – then my stomach started bubbling – I had to go – I didn’t care that I had to use a public restroom! I had to go!! Figuring that all that was because I hadn’t eaten in over 5 hours; I enjoyed some popcorn and a large Hi C Fruit Punch. And Once again I will never forget those presents.
What a great movie! We all loved it. We got up and started to move toward the exit. Once again, I got nauseous.
We got out the theater.
There’s a trash can. I was thinking. RUNNNN…..
SPLAT!! GAG! SPLAT!! GAG – GAG! EEEWWWW!! ...
that was nasty…
go get her some napkins; I hear my dad and my sister saying.
I will always remember that day in full. When I got home all I could do was lie down and run to the bathroom every few minutes. I was met with chills and hot flashes. Then I slept for a good while. When I think about it these days, I should have gone to the doctors. But then I think again I felt too sick to even to get up and ask someone to take me.
It must have been the Starbucks. It was then I vowed to never to have Starbucks again … well at least until I have the baby! The next day is when I believe it was over. These are the days I’ll remember.
January 14th 2005:
I had a 29 week appointment with my doctor. My belly measured small. I was instructed to come back that next Tuesday.
January 15th 2005:
We had gone baby stuff shopping. It the weeks prior to this (I don’t remember the days exactly) we had found a place to bring our new baby home to. We thought about getting a crib but I told him that it would not be enough space. We argued.
January 16th 2005:
I sat around the house all day and did nothing.
January 17th 2005:
Was Presidents Day. I watched my sister kids for her because she didn’t have the day off. Me and Rufus argued some more. The point we were arguing about was useless because in the back of my mind I knew we wouldn’t need it.
January 18th 2005:
I had my appointment with my doctor at 9:30 a.m. It didn’t go so well. She instructed us to go to the hospital right away and have them do an ultrasound. The clock ticks:
10:30 a.m. - We check in to the out patience care
10:45 a.m. - We wait for the ultrasound
10:55 a.m. - They call us back; start the ultrasound; they think they might able to tell the sex; excitement!
11:00 a.m. - Tears flood my face
11:15 a.m. – My doctor calls the ultrasound room at the hospital.
She said: I’m sorry. They too could not find the heartbeat. –Silence- Please, I need you to come back to my office so that we can talk about your options. OK. The call ends.
Tears stream down my face as we are leaving and Rufus says: maybe they don’t know what they are talking about; maybe your doctor will tell you something different?
I’m crying so hard at this point:
There is nothing different she can tell me - you - saw the baby didn’t move, the baby’s dead.
11:48 a.m. – We sat in my doctors office for what seemed like forever, hoping to be called back and told that it was a cruel joke they were playing. It was probably about 12 or a little later when they called me back. My doctor came in with tears in her eyes. She hugged me hard, dropped her head and turned her back to me. Then she said:
I’m so sorry. There are no reasons why these types of things happen. I have to talk to you about your options. *sigh* …You can let your body process this baby naturally or we can induce you; for that I would give a pill and you’d wait a day and then go to hospital where we’d further induce. You take a few days and think about it, there is no rush. Take your time. Then if you decide to be induced you will have to make the decision on whether or not you will want to see your baby. She cried a little.
I said: I want to get this over with, I want to be induced.
She wrote a prescription, I left sad and heartbroken, hoping and praying that they would be wrong.
Rufus was outside the office on the phone. When I walked out - he got off and asked what she said. I told him I’d explain it in the car.
I told him.
I instantly cried harder then I’d ever. Instantly something disappeared in him.
My phone rang - it was my sister. I only remember crying and she saying… NO NO NO NO this can’t be happening.
My mom called, my dad called, I explained. And they were there in what seemed like an instant.
I looked at Rufus and laughed a little and said: I guess we won’t need that crib after all. I cried.
January 20th 2005:
Inauguration Day. BUSH. Induction. My Aunts birthday. Pain. Someone shares their story of their angel. I feel a little happiness. Pain. Epidural. Waiting. 11:28 p.m. My baby. A girl. She’s beautiful.
I held her tight for a long time. She had and mark around her neck and her left hand. It seemed like she got caught in her cord and that was want ended it.
I held her and I looked at her, her eyes where open and they were shining. Her mouth was open and it seemed like she wanted to say something. Her eye lashes were long. And she had a full head of hair with soft curls. She looked like she was alive. I remember at one point, I was patting her back and it looked like her eyes were blinking. Excitement was in me and I knew they were all wrong. But I stopped - they were right. Everyone was crying around me, I was crying. Then they took her from me; I think she was ready.
She weighed 1 pound and 11 ounces. She was 13 inches long. She looked like Rufus.
That day, the 20th, my baby was delivered form me and taken to GOD.
To be cont’d: What Happened Next and What I Believe
