Why do people hate when they find out you can be better than they ever were?

Don't detest my blessings because of your lack of acknowledging yours. Blessings can not be saved up for when you need them; accept them as they come! In order to get something, you got to take some things. Fight for your success because it and you are worth it!

It's so sad.

I remember when I was younger my dad (military man) went over there and dug wells and brought back all this beautiful art work. All I can think about right now is that and all the families in misery.

My heartbreaks for each and every one of the lost and hurt souls.

I wish I could do more than just think about what's going on. I drove to Virginia the other day and was listening to the radio asking for donations. You could text YELE to 501501 to donate $5 or visit www.yele.org. I hope that by me posting this blog I am helping spread the word. The word being that - they need help and you can help.

I know, I know. I'm a little late but the start of this year has been busy and it dose not look like it's going to slow down. But I can still hear the the noise makers and see the confetti flying through the air!

I think things are going to change big time for all (yeah that's right I said all not just ME)this year and think that it's going to be surprising! I can feel the change. So many of us have gone through thing that have been unimaginable. So here's my advice -

Sit down in a peaceful place and write a list of all your long term goals. This would include your bills that you can't pay right now and anything else.

Next write yourself a heart felt letter telling you have much you love you. Then put that and the list in an envelope, go to the post office and mail it to yourself. When you receive it in the mail, count 90 days on a calender and write "Open the Envelope"

Now from the day you receive that letter think about how you want your life to change. Don't think about any obstacle, just think about a perfect picture everyday and every time you get frustrated. Stay positive. Believe everyday that what you want will happen - pray - meditate - do what ever is positive to stay positive!

When the 90 days comes around, open the letter read what you wrote. Look over your list and see if anything changed. Then do it all over again. Make a new list, write a new letter and mail it and stay positive!

...I think I'm on top, I find out that I'm not. But you know what, I keep standing no matter how hard it is. Every time I think I'm on top, I find out how strong I am. And I amaze myself each time. Life has been so hard for me these last few years I just can't believe it. It just feels like I can't get a brake. But you know what I know that in the end, it will all pay off. I hope that more people realize that. I hope that they realize that they are strong and that times get hard. And that hard times are not just upon them but many other. All you have to do is just stand up and face it. And never wish that you were some where else because you don't know where that somewhere is at. The grass is as green you let it be on your side of the fence. We all need to just stop complaining and do something about what's wrong. Stand up and keep fighting, don't drown in self-sorrow.

Man, times have been so hard for everyone, I think the entire country has gone crazy. I don't even like watching or reading the news anymore because there is never anything positive.

And positivity is something that each and every one of us needs to hold on to these days... After all that is part of hope. And hope is part of attainment.

So, I've been away. I had my little dispute with wondering if I could make it everyday in this struggle and I have come back victorious and with many new fresh ideas and a new vision of my dreams.

So check me out!

Did I really look happy down there in that post down there?

I was going through and looking...and i just don't believe by that fake smile that there was really an once of happiness in m body at that moment.

Gosh those were some miserable times back then.

Ok, back in '05 I lost my 1st child, which was one of the most difficult things that I've to live through in my life. For any parent that has lost a child, you have a special place in my heart. For, it is only us that know that kind of pain and loneliness. Heart-brake and endless feelings of defeat.

Luckily ( guess that's the best word), I was of complete mind to want to have another child. People thought is was too soon after a loss to even think about it, and of course I was like:

...What Ever, Forget Y'all!!! You have no idea what I feel like and I need to fill this void. So back up and let me live my life! NOW WHAT...HUH????

Of course I didn't say that out loud. I'm kinda sorta a punk in some ways. Really I just care about peoples feeling more than I care for my own. And that would be another reason I fell off this world, but a different subject for a different time.

So I had a little boy the same year I lost my daughter. The day of his birth was beautiful but the months that followed were horrible. Sounds bad huh? Kids are suppose to make you happy endlessly, right?

Well at the time of my decision I thought the same way. But when you have not fully gotten past heart-brake of any kind, it's sure to follow into your new relationship(s). Which it did you me.

The pain was bad, but I knew inside my heart I loved this little boy with all my heart but I had the hardest time showing it. And I hoped that it wouldn't last so long, that I would end up regretting not showing him love.

I went to the doctor because I knew that something we wrong with me. And I figured the doc's could give me a quick fix. Except they told me something that I didn't want to hear.

Here look at this.
Then look at my blog profile.

I've been hiding this photo for about 3 years now. Can you guess by this picture what the doc's told me. Ummm, well, there's no easy way to put it. They told me I was fat and depressed. That I needed to lose some weight in order to feel better.

OMG! I was appalled. I tried to file a complaint against the doctor's office and swore to never visit there again (which I haven't).

See here's the thing, I stopped looking at myself a few months into the pregnancy with my son. I gained 65 pounds when I was pregnant with my daughter. Then with my son, I was filling up like a balloon. So in total, after having my son I gained a grand total of 130 fucking nasty POUNDS!

OMG! Did I just tell you that? That's my nasty little secret.

When I realized I was really fat and I didn't like it...This is when I stepped to the edge.