Hi my name in Kendra and I have a problem.

*sob, sob, sob…sniffle [wipe a tears from my eyes] moan, sniffle*

humm…I love caffeine and humm, I seem to not be able to start my morning without it. I mean like every where I go I see starbucks and *sigh* , I just have to have a Vintte white mocha. No not just a Tall or Grande… And that Vintte must be a triple shot (1, 2, 3 shots) or it’s just not right.

You would think that coffee would be it but *sobbing hard, sniffle* I love energy drinks too and to top it off and I can drink two of those in a day and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

*howling cry* what am I going to do *howling*

I’m pulled off the podium.

10th grade – I knew him; the only boy allowed in my house without supervision
11th grade – I knew him; OFMG! My Dad likes him. WTF?
12th grade – I hated his girlfriend; we didn’t talk much.

I never knew of him ‘til those years, but he was always in my sight since elementary school.

The summer after we graduated we tried to hook-up; but he had just broke up with is girlfriend. So I was the rebound. But we kissed. And I wanted more, but he was going a way to school.

I worked for a year after we graduated. And after much debate with my mom about what school I was to go to, I ended up at Savannah College of Art and Design. My 1st choice was Pratt Institute; was I crazy for even asking to go? I didn’t even get a chance to explain that it was at the time, (don’t know if it still is) one of the number one art schools. But I got a big fat N N N O O O O O !New York; H E L L N O! But we have family there! It doesn’t matter, N O!

So anyways I want to SCAD in 2000 – he had a girlfriend; whom I don’t know was his girlfriend ‘til 3 months later. But I guess that didn’t really matter because I was with that person that stocked me. Which turned out that neither one of them like each other and that was the reason for the silent treatment.

You should know the story after this if you’ve read any of my blog. If not here’s a quick run down:

o Left SCAD 2001 (thanksgiving) – parents got divorced; really just separated.

o 2001- mid – late 2003 - is a complete mystery; I don’t know what I did (except for the big events); blazed and dazed?

If you wanna know more you have to read my blog form the beginning.

2003-

2003 is the year he saved me. They saved me. And I plummeted into LOVE! WOW! That’s really the only thing I can say to explain it best. I never ever ever ever in my life felt like this. I didn’t care that he had a girl. I wanted him for myself and myself only and I made sure that he knew that.

I don’t think that he though I was serious up until a year ago. I told him that I wanted to have he baby even if we ever never together. I told him that I always wanted to have a piece of him. It made my heart brake to even think that he would never be mine and I would have to take care of his child with out him by my side.

I cried a lot; it felt like I was going to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. There was only one person that I loved and wanted in my life. Nobody else could get the time of day for me to even think I would want to be with them. You know what the funny thing is; as much as I told men that I didn’t want them is seemed to make then want me more.

This a little off subject, but; I worked at a retail store where, when you bought stuff you had to put you home phone number in the system. Would you believe because I wouldn’t give out my number my male co-workers would go in the system and call my house! WTF! And an even crazier thing; I never ever realized that I was desirable . I always got made fun of in school and I guess that just made me continue to look down on myself as an adult.

To be Cont’d: He Took my offer. But give me a little more?

October 26, 2005

Baby David Died. He was 6 months old.

I had so much grief and sadness that I boxed away from a loss I had in January of that same year. It seemed to all come out. I seemed to be shattering all my relationships (the few that I had/have) and I may still be doing that. But I try to explain to those people what I’m going through and I don’t mean to take any angry out on them.

I’ll share the January story sometime later. People that know me know the story and it’s something I don’t really like playing through my mind. It hurts that same as the day it happened. I haven’t figured out why it happened but when David died it just made my mind wonder why these things happen even more.

Wow, I almost forgot about this place. But I'm back To share all my stories. Gosh so much has happened I don't even know where to start. *sigh*

Have you ever had a panic attack?

a feeling of imminent danger or doom;
the need to escape;
palpitations;
sweating;
trembling;
shortness of breath or a smothering feeling;
a feeling of choking;
chest pain or discomfort;
nausea or abdominal discomfort;
dizziness or lightheadedness;
a sense of things being unreal, depersonalization;
a fear of losing control or "going crazy";
a fear of dying;
tingling sensations; chills or hot flushes.

The 1st time I had one, it came out the the blue. The doctors told me that I'd be fine and the gave me a prescription, then sent me home. The funny thing about when and where I had the panic attack; well I guess it wasn't really funny, but I was at work. I took of two days after that to go back andwere all types of rumors going around. It only made me mad and made me have more panic attack.

I had a fear every night that I wouldn't wake up. So there were weeks where I didn't go to sleep. I was in a relationship that shouldn't have been, and everyday with that person became unbearable. There were times when I actually wanted to beat them until my hand could hit no more. And there were time when I actually tried to do it.(sad to say)

I wasn't the same person at that point. I had no dreams, I felt nothing but pain, angry and worry. I was a walking zombie. I did want I had to do to pay my bills and that was it. I talked to no one, I lost my friends and as far as I was concerned my relationship was over. I just didn't give a damn.

Oh my 22nd birthday, my sister talked me into going to my grandmother's house and celebrated her 66th. Cool I thought I'll go, and I'll take this person. (don't want to say any name)

I should have known it was a bad idea from the start. Before we could even get on the road to travel, I got a flat. I don't really have the money to get it fixed but I did. And I just wasn't happy about the idea of going any more.

So anyways we get there and it's like 7 at night and everyone is already partying. I felt over whelmed and figured if I get a drink in me I'll feel better. NOPE. That Night my 22nd birthday a year past the legal age to drink, I drank a beer and that was it. The person I came with, drink any and I mean everything they could get their hands on. And that's when I really knew it was a bad idea to come.

2am in the morning, most people are gone , except my aunt, her husband, my sister, and the person I came with. MY grandma is sleep. MY sister is trying to get a piece of cake, and ends up knocking it over on to my grandma's newly carpeted cream colored floor. The person I came with and my aunts husband are in a heated debate(over chicken). The decision is made to pull out the vacuum and clean the carpet, so grandma wouldn't have to for when she gets up...

The carpet is clean and you'd never know anything dropped on it, the vacuum goes off, and all you here is fist fitting skin and my aunt trying to brake up what start with the person I came with and her husband. And guess what it all start with my person.

I was appalled, this was the 1st time he's been in the presence of my family and he had the nerve to call someone in my family out of there name and them put his hands on him. My jaw is dropped and and all you can hear and see is people yell and pushing him out the door.

He's out. 230am in the morning the end of September in Pennylvania. He asked me where he's going to sleep, don't know, and if he could get he's stuff out my car. And then, "HOW could you let your family do this to me? "

WTF? Why did he say that, I snapped. He said more things that shouldn't have come out his mouth. I began to throw blows. He said more. My sister is trying to pull me off of him, and neighbors are coming out there houses. My family and people I didn't even know are literally pulling me down the street and I screaming back How much, I hate you.

He stayed out side that night, and to this day I have no idea where he's at. I did so much for him. I actually loved (now I know I didn't) him with all my heart and when I sit back and think about some of the things we went through. I was just stupid for not seeing how much he was playing me. You know it's said that you shouldn't hate anyone, because hate is such a harsh word. But I can actually say I hate this person from the button of my heart. And can only pray that GOD will forgive me for my hatred.

One funny thing before I end this part. When my dad found out that I was't seeing this person any more...he called the whole family to express his happiness.

To Be cont'd: He SAVED me

"Past studies have found that the prefrontal cortex shows heightened activity when normal people lie, and it is believed to be involved in both learning moral behavior and feeling remorse.

Because gray matter consists of brain cells, while white matter forms the "wiring" or connections between these cells, pathological liars may have more capacity to lie and fewer moral restraints, the authors suggest. "They've got the equipment to lie, and they don't have the disinhibition that the rest of us have in telling the big whoppers," Raine said in a press release accompanying the study. "

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/wireStory?id=1223519

I hate when people lie to me, of just lie for the hell of it. I mean I know I've done it. But I don't just lie about everything, or anything. I pick my subjects. Like: Yeah I went the store and they didn't have what you wanted (knowing didn't look for it), or, Yeah I forgot (knowing I probably really forgot at the time or I'm trying to make a point that you could it to). But I don't just lie thinking that the person that I'm lieing to is going to believe me. Or, That just because they can't see mt every move that, I can make them think I did something that did because they well never know.

Is it amusing to to lie to people like that. I just don't get it. It really fuc'n makes me hot!

Cont'd form The Middle

Drugs...so easy to get to, so fun to get hooked on.

I didn't do anything crazy. I guess you can call me a scaredy cat. I did one thing and one thing only and all I can say is that it's the 1st thing most people try. Maybe I did two, if you consider alcohol a drug? Diet pills too, so I guess you can bump that up to three?

I felt like I had the best life when I did what I did. Nothing nor no one could tell me different. I didn't have much or any kind of relationship with any of my family. But they all said at some point thoughtout this time I need to talk to some professional help. And for the life of me I couldn't understand. I went to work, I had fun and when night came I went to sleep and usually 4 hours later I was up doing the came thing over again.

That lasted for about a year. I was down to 155 pounds form the 250 + size me, I'd always been. People like to ask if I was sick. No, why the fuc do you ask *mean face* I was working my tail off but some how was putting myself into more and more debt. Oh yah, and less sleep. I was invincible, I was Shera, I could do anything and no one could tell me different...

Until one day...

I got so mad at someone that I work with...It was like something snapped in my brain, and I felt light head and my heart started to race. I didn't know what was wrong with me. The room was spinning. And Everyone asked what's wrong. But I could only look confused at them. Someone said "she might be having a heart attack." In my head: What ta Fuck, I can't die, not yet.

I ended up on a ambulance and they're asking me if I'd done and drugs, because I'll could do is ask for water and my heart rate what up to 190 bpm and that was freaking me out. I couldn't have any water because they said it might complicate things. But still they kept asking me it I'd did and drugs. And finally I could answer, because I was becoming aware of my surroundings, and told them that I'd only had a little weed *hummm? Did I say that; dunno waht you'er talking about* the night before, just enough to go to sleep. *really it was a small amout*

I got to the hospital and they hooked me up to this machine, but it only turns out that I was having a panic attack. Man I really thought I was dieing.

To be continued: The Panic

Studies show that women get stupid when they fall in love. But Why dose that have to be so true?

Why can't a woman's mind work like a man, and not give a damn. Or why can't a man's mind work like a womans, and care? Why do a man and a woman have the be so different. Why can't we just be the same but have different organs, and one have the child ... but both care the same?

I guess, that would make for a boring world, I guess that there would be no news, no event because everything has been done the same by each person. But I guess my point is why LOVE have to be so blinding ... for one person?

Why dose love hurt in so many ways:

A divorce
A loss of a child (those hurt the worst)
Knowing you might never be with the one you love
A loss of a grandma/pa, aunt/uncel

I guess this whole post will adressed soon, I'm so upset to complete it.

So yesterday I got off work at 330pm. Went home, and went to feed my little blue batte-fish; whom I named Fissy. Cute little batte he is; I have him in this glass vase, with little clear blue rocks and a curly bamboo shot. He sits on a bar that we have with all our liquors and wines; wine glasses, etc. So anyways I go to sprinkle a little food in the vase for him, and wait for him to come to the top, puff his little gills at me and he wiggle around while I call he's name; "hey Fissy, how's my little fissy today"; we play that little game everyday, and he seems to be the only batte-fish that responses to any thing.

So I'm standing there like a dumb @ss waiting and calling his name; no fish. And I pick up the vase, twist it around, look straight through it; no fish. Then I tap on the glass, call he's name; no fish. So at that moment BF walks in and I say,

"Have you seen fissy today?"

BF looks at me all crazy and asked why I referred to him like he's a dog walking around. And I say,

"well he's not in his vase, he's gone?"

BF is like there is no why possible he could be gone, he's a fish, fish don't walk? So BF is all confused like me and walks over the vase, pulls up the bamboo and pokes around at the rocks thinking that maybe he died and sank to the bottom; still no fish. So I say,

"See there's no fish, maybe he jumped out and died on the floor?"

and I'm thinking the back of my head, I'm going to cry if he died, I love my fish. BF says, "I never heard of a batte–fish jumping, that's odd." So we start looking around on the floor and I get on me hands and knees, looking for the fish like I'm looking for a small earring that just dropped; still not fish?

Amazed at the fact that my beautiful blue betta-fish, named Fissy was missing, I walk over to my fish tank that has my puff eyed black/gold fish; also named Fisssie (same name just spelled different); and my little cat fish, name Cat, and look thinking maybe for some crazy reason I don't remember putting Fissy in this tank. And nope I didn't, I know I wouldn't, because if I did the other fish would be dead (betta-fish are fighting fish for those who don't know). I still can't find my FISSY.

My fish disappeared and I miss him….But isn't that odd?


Oh and...I still keep looking in the vase like he's going to appear out of thin air and start wiggling around for me. So I have the sad/amazed face right now!

It' been a crazy month and a few days...so much has happened. I'll feel you in one by one just give some time!

MY best freind called me last night with the worst news....her baby boy died in his sleep. My heart is so completely broken. I don't even know what to do. I can't even function right now.

cont'd form The Beginning

Ok…let’s see where did I leave off…oh…form North Carolina back to Virginia right…yah. Hayfield is the high school I graduated form and let’s just say high school wasn’t one of my best subjects…lol.

I worked the year after high school and then my dad was in a car accident. He lost most of his memory and still struggles with it to this day…and I can end that thought with saying that he isn’t the same dad I grow up with and it’s one of the hardest things in the world to deal with other then death. (that’s a story I’ll go into detail at another time)…oh, and My sister got married, on the snick tip…she went to the justice of peace and called my parent after the fact and told them she wasn’t coming back home, and boy were they pissed.

After that I finally got to go to college…SCAD…and my major was going to be Computer Animation…that was short lived, I was only there for 3 quarter. My parent, after 26 years of what I thought was a happy marriage, Spilt. (Once again another story for later reading) And can you believe that in this year 2005 I’m still paying a student loan…that is one thing that sucks about going to college.

After coming back home heart broken and shattered I struggled with some health problem and babbled in some drugs… So that will be my next post

The Story Back Home

Olny srmat poelpe can.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch atCmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in awrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer bein the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raedit wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed erveylteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and Iawlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Hummm…Let’s see. I was born September 26, well let’s just say that I'm 24, maybe. I don’t want to give out too many details! But anyways I was born in Germany… *I’m not German, I don’t speak German and my skin is brown* I don’t remember much about the place because I came to the state when I was four. *My dad was in the ARMY* The only thing that I can remember is there was this park the we would go to and they had these horse head on a wall you could get chocolate candy coins out of…muummmm…they were great. They sell them here in the state, but they are not the same. I remember another place where there were small people (I don’t know a better term and I don’t want to offend any body) but it was an awesome little place…ok, so form Germany we moved to Texas form Texas to Virginia, form Virginia to North Carolina, form North Carolina back to Virginia…and guess what I’m still here.

...to be cont'd

My 1st blog post. I've never done this before so bear with me...spelling maybe a little off. MY sentences my sound a little odd...but oh well this is for me, memory of..., and my family. There will be a website to come that I can't wait to show people...it's awesome!