Ok. So, you know how I said that I would have his baby even if we weren’t together? Well 7/19/04 I took a home pregnancy test and guess what! I’m pregnant! You’re going to be a daddy!

We didn’t really try we just and we didn’t use any kind of prophylactic.

The initial thought of being a parent was great. I guess I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I didn’t know what kind of stress I was headed to. And I didn’t know how bad my heart would ach afterwards.

I think some time in August I had my 1st doctor’s appointment. I was really excited to know what I would expect. But when I went to the appointment they just check all the things that the “women” doctors check and then asked me if I was on any kind of birth control and if I want any?

Wait… I remember tell the lady on the phone three weeks ago that I was making an appointment because I asked I was pregnant. Why would I take birth control?

So the doc runs out the room and comes back and says that there was a mix up and that makes everything different. So then, I’ll see you in 4 weeks, OK!

As the weeks counted down and my hunger and belly grew; my are emotions swinging out of whack. I cried all the time. I felt nothing happy about this pregnancy. I guess it all just finally hit me that I was going to have a child and I didn’t know what kind of relationship me and the daddy would have.

Lord knows that I wanted him forever in me life.

It finally hit me that I didn’t make good money and I would not be able to support a child on my own. The slap my in the face (I wish I had sound effects) was that I wasn’t going to be able to tell my family, because I felt they thought I was a leech. And I didn’t want to here want I already knew. He doesn’t have a job, you barely make any money and I’m not going to support you and a child.

Boy how the truth hurts.

Let fast forward through this story, I don’t like telling this story because it leads to so much pain.

The Night my Dad Asked.

We had been goading each others nerves the past few weeks. He wanted me to move out and he wanted to move. He no longer wanted the house that reminded him so much of the hard work he put in for my mom.


>If you want me to leave, I’ll go to a homeless shelter I have no where else to go. The public housing waiting list is 2 years long and you already know I’m on it; I showed you the letter – and - I don’t make enough money to pay for an apartment and that doesn’t even matter because my credit score is too low for any one to consider me for an apartment.

Silence

For two weeks no words exchanged between us.

For three weeks, silence.

Week 4:

I’d seen my dad cry twice in my lift time and it was this week i figured out that I must have disappointed him some how. Could he know? My belly is getting bigger.

He’d called me into him room the night he asked and told me that I hurt his feelings and I made him feel that he was kicking me out when I told him I'd move to a homless shelter. I told him that was also the way he made me feel. And that me going to a homeless shelter would be the only solution to but our problems. He cried. I left and went back to my room.

Later that night he came down to the basement and paced between the laundry room and the TV area and finally stopped and said - are you pregnant?

I was frozen in fear of want my answer would be. Thinking to myself – I should lie. But if I lie what good would that do. What would be his next question if I lie? Just tell him a lie doesn’t matter.

YES! Shit that’s not what I meant to say.

He was shocked; I was shocked that I said it. Then disappointment teemed over his face and he spat about how important family is. And how important it was for me to have told him 4 ½ months ago. Then he told me that Rufus and I had a month to fine a place to live. >wow how was going to do that?<

And this is where the pain begins. This is where the little more comes into play.

To be cont’d: My Baby.