Ok, back in '05 I lost my 1st child, which was one of the most difficult things that I've to live through in my life. For any parent that has lost a child, you have a special place in my heart. For, it is only us that know that kind of pain and loneliness. Heart-brake and endless feelings of defeat.

Luckily ( guess that's the best word), I was of complete mind to want to have another child. People thought is was too soon after a loss to even think about it, and of course I was like:

...What Ever, Forget Y'all!!! You have no idea what I feel like and I need to fill this void. So back up and let me live my life! NOW WHAT...HUH????

Of course I didn't say that out loud. I'm kinda sorta a punk in some ways. Really I just care about peoples feeling more than I care for my own. And that would be another reason I fell off this world, but a different subject for a different time.

So I had a little boy the same year I lost my daughter. The day of his birth was beautiful but the months that followed were horrible. Sounds bad huh? Kids are suppose to make you happy endlessly, right?

Well at the time of my decision I thought the same way. But when you have not fully gotten past heart-brake of any kind, it's sure to follow into your new relationship(s). Which it did you me.

The pain was bad, but I knew inside my heart I loved this little boy with all my heart but I had the hardest time showing it. And I hoped that it wouldn't last so long, that I would end up regretting not showing him love.

I went to the doctor because I knew that something we wrong with me. And I figured the doc's could give me a quick fix. Except they told me something that I didn't want to hear.

Here look at this.
Then look at my blog profile.

I've been hiding this photo for about 3 years now. Can you guess by this picture what the doc's told me. Ummm, well, there's no easy way to put it. They told me I was fat and depressed. That I needed to lose some weight in order to feel better.

OMG! I was appalled. I tried to file a complaint against the doctor's office and swore to never visit there again (which I haven't).

See here's the thing, I stopped looking at myself a few months into the pregnancy with my son. I gained 65 pounds when I was pregnant with my daughter. Then with my son, I was filling up like a balloon. So in total, after having my son I gained a grand total of 130 fucking nasty POUNDS!

OMG! Did I just tell you that? That's my nasty little secret.

When I realized I was really fat and I didn't like it...This is when I stepped to the edge.