Did I really look happy down there in that post down there?

I was going through and looking...and i just don't believe by that fake smile that there was really an once of happiness in m body at that moment.

Gosh those were some miserable times back then.

Ok, back in '05 I lost my 1st child, which was one of the most difficult things that I've to live through in my life. For any parent that has lost a child, you have a special place in my heart. For, it is only us that know that kind of pain and loneliness. Heart-brake and endless feelings of defeat.

Luckily ( guess that's the best word), I was of complete mind to want to have another child. People thought is was too soon after a loss to even think about it, and of course I was like:

...What Ever, Forget Y'all!!! You have no idea what I feel like and I need to fill this void. So back up and let me live my life! NOW WHAT...HUH????

Of course I didn't say that out loud. I'm kinda sorta a punk in some ways. Really I just care about peoples feeling more than I care for my own. And that would be another reason I fell off this world, but a different subject for a different time.

So I had a little boy the same year I lost my daughter. The day of his birth was beautiful but the months that followed were horrible. Sounds bad huh? Kids are suppose to make you happy endlessly, right?

Well at the time of my decision I thought the same way. But when you have not fully gotten past heart-brake of any kind, it's sure to follow into your new relationship(s). Which it did you me.

The pain was bad, but I knew inside my heart I loved this little boy with all my heart but I had the hardest time showing it. And I hoped that it wouldn't last so long, that I would end up regretting not showing him love.

I went to the doctor because I knew that something we wrong with me. And I figured the doc's could give me a quick fix. Except they told me something that I didn't want to hear.

Here look at this.
Then look at my blog profile.

I've been hiding this photo for about 3 years now. Can you guess by this picture what the doc's told me. Ummm, well, there's no easy way to put it. They told me I was fat and depressed. That I needed to lose some weight in order to feel better.

OMG! I was appalled. I tried to file a complaint against the doctor's office and swore to never visit there again (which I haven't).

See here's the thing, I stopped looking at myself a few months into the pregnancy with my son. I gained 65 pounds when I was pregnant with my daughter. Then with my son, I was filling up like a balloon. So in total, after having my son I gained a grand total of 130 fucking nasty POUNDS!

OMG! Did I just tell you that? That's my nasty little secret.

When I realized I was really fat and I didn't like it...This is when I stepped to the edge.

I really dropped off the face of this earth.
Hide under a rock.
Something, I don't know where I was. Maybe under a spell. A wicked one!

But I'm back and here to stay.

You know, I started this blog as a way for me to vent. Because I felt like I had no one to understand where I was coming. I figured instead of keeping it all bottled up inside me to hurt me further I'd do this. I wish I had of kept that theory, those years I fell off this world...

Yup, I officially admit I fell off this world. Some might think it's impossible, but it's real possible. but I have to add the condition that it depends on the type of person you are.

The way I see it, there are two types of people in this world; Old-fashion and Modern.

Old-fashion people care more about humanity, live in the present and apply the kindness of the old days in their everyday. They are every agreeable and easy to get along with. They devote themselves and try not complain too much. They want a Bill Cosby or Leave it to Beaver style lifestyle and believe it's possible in the present day.

Modern people maintain Status Quo. They often times don't care who's feet they step on to get where they need to be. Usually easy get along with but often times hide their true intentions. Quick to speak without think out consequence completely.

The years I fell off this world I tried to be Modern, when truly I'm Old-fashion.

I have a lot to say about those years and I think you'll find it quite interesting...

O, It light of the recent tragedy that has hit Jennifer Hudson's Family, I will never "Dogg" anyone out, now seeing how real a consequence can be.

Check back in...more to come!

That didn't take very long...

What do you think; I like the new look. Kinda the same thing but better!

So checking me out, here and there. Spread the word to look at my words. Ha!

*Really Long and Exaggerated* SUBSCRIBE TO ME, PLEASE!!!!!!!

You know, going back and looking at some of these post I realize I was really stupid and self-centered!

Although some of them are really entertaining, others making think about what I was thinking. Really!

Is that bad?

Do there people go thought these types of periods in their lives or am I the only one?

Don't make me feel like I'm the only one other that has done some of these stupid things...Please!

But anyways I have to start back telling you guys what else has gone on in my life....What do you think? Do you think it's gotten any better of do you think that I'm still going down hill?

Give me a few days and I'll be back. I gonna update the look of this page too. Meanwhile you can check out my other blog. http://c12005.blogspot.com/

SUBSCRIBE TO ME!!! Please :)

OMG! Shit - it's been a few years since I've last seen you. OMG! It's so good to see you. So, where you been?

Aww… such a dreaded question! And honestly a few months ago I would have said I don't know. Today I'll tell you it's a long story still being played out.

So … is there anyone that's really wondering what happened to me? Is there anyone that still has me flagged?

Hello (echo)…