Hi my name in Kendra and I have a problem.
*sob, sob, sob…sniffle [wipe a tears from my eyes] moan, sniffle*
humm…I love caffeine and humm, I seem to not be able to start my morning without it. I mean like every where I go I see starbucks and *sigh*
You would think that coffee would be it but *sobbing hard, sniffle* I love energy drinks too and to top it off and I can drink two of those in a day and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.
*howling cry* what am I going to do *howling*
I’m pulled off the podium.
10th grade – I knew him; the only boy allowed in my house without supervision
11th grade – I knew him; OFMG! My Dad likes him. WTF?
12th grade – I hated his girlfriend; we didn’t talk much.
I never knew of him ‘til those years, but he was always in my sight since elementary school.
The summer after we graduated we tried to hook-up; but he had just broke up with is girlfriend. So I was the rebound. But we kissed. And I wanted more, but he was going a way to school.
I worked for a year after we graduated. And after much debate with my mom about what school I was to go to, I ended up at Savannah College of Art and Design. My 1st choice was Pratt Institute; was I crazy for even asking to go? I didn’t even get a chance to explain that it was at the time, (don’t know if it still is) one of the number one art schools. But I got a big fat N N N O O O O O !New York; H E L L N O! But we have family there! It doesn’t matter, N O!
So anyways I want to SCAD in 2000 – he had a girlfriend; whom I don’t know was his girlfriend ‘til 3 months later. But I guess that didn’t really matter because I was with that person that stocked me. Which turned out that neither one of them like each other and that was the reason for the silent treatment.
You should know the story after this if you’ve read any of my blog. If not here’s a quick run down:
o Left SCAD 2001 (thanksgiving) – parents got divorced; really just separated.
o 2001- mid – late 2003 - is a complete mystery; I don’t know what I did (except for the big events); blazed and dazed?
If you wanna know more you have to read my blog form the beginning.
2003-
2003 is the year he saved me. They saved me. And I plummeted into LOVE! WOW! That’s really the only thing I can say to explain it best. I never ever ever ever in my life felt like this. I didn’t care that he had a girl. I wanted him for myself and myself only and I made sure that he knew that.
I don’t think that he though I was serious up until a year ago. I told him that I wanted to have he baby even if we ever never together. I told him that I always wanted to have a piece of him. It made my heart brake to even think that he would never be mine and I would have to take care of his child with out him by my side.
I cried a lot; it felt like I was going to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. There was only one person that I loved and wanted in my life. Nobody else could get the time of day for me to even think I would want to be with them. You know what the funny thing is; as much as I told men that I didn’t want them is seemed to make then want me more.
This a little off subject, but; I worked at a retail store where, when you bought stuff you had to put you home phone number in the system. Would you believe because I wouldn’t give out my number my male co-workers would go in the system and call my house! WTF! And an even crazier thing; I never ever realized that I was desirable
To be Cont’d: He Took my offer. But give me a little more?
The man I love the most. Well I should say men I love the most; GOD and Rufus.
December 11th 2003
I still remember the day like it’s my birthday. It’s the day I was going to set my soul free. Yup I said it; I don’t tell this story but I guess it’s time, or I wouldn’t have the blog.
The reason or reasons you ask?
Well if you haven’t been reading this on going story of my life then you should stop here before you continue reading. For those that have been here before … here yah go …
As you’ve read before I went to my grandma’s house for my 22nd birthday and decided to take a friend who got in a fist fight with my uncle-n-law. We kicked him out 2 something in the morning and that’s were he stayed ‘til I decided that it would only be fair that he come to my place and pack his shit and leave.
He didn’t believe me when I said, you really have to leave, I can’t’ deal with your shit anymore. And then it still didn’t kick in when I said, you need to be out my place tomorrow morning and I DON’T care where you go, don’t call me, don’t come see me.
I mean c’mon; if someone told you that, what would think? It was joke? Was I laughing; were you laugh? No. Ok. So what dose it mean? Get the fuck out, right? Are you fuckn kidding me I said I don’t what to see you anymore, get your shit and get out! Now, shit I can’t wait ‘til tomorrow. Shit do you want me to take you to a homeless shelter? T H I S I S N O T A J O K E. G E T O U T! *words in slow motion to make sure you can read my lips*
He left that night and told me I was ungrateful. And that I won’t know what I had ‘til he’s gone. Bye!
You would have thought that he was so pissed and stuck on pride that he would ever want to talk to me. Ha yah really. I’m beautiful damn’t . lol No really though, I’m average. But anyways, that wasn’t the case. He stocked me. *big frown*
Everyday for about two months he’d bang on my door, putting flowers and notes on my car, showing up at my job and harass me; my manager had to band him form the store. Any where I went he was there. How he got I don’t know, cuz he didn’t have a car. I had to get a restraining against him but like the part of my story where he was told to get out, he just thought it was a joke.
There was one day where he said he walked 20 miles to get to my job to beg and plead my forgiveness and to tell me that I was right about him being stupid. What really. That is fuckn amazing! Then had the nerve to ask me for a ride. NOPE! Get away from my car. He was on his knees cry about how tried he was and that he hadn’t been able to sleep without me. And how he was losing so much weight cuz he couldn’t eat, and how bad his heart hurts. Awww, poor baby! Now get away from my car!
And you know what; he was still on his knees when I got in my car and he swore that I wouldn’t ride off while he was holding onto the door. HaH! Yah right, you don’t know me very while buddy. And that’s exactly what I did and you could see fighting with the asphalt in my rear view. Ha! I still get a kick outa that.
I had to move back home with my dad. That’s was the only way he got the point to leave me alone. While not really … he’d write me letter but put a different name for the return address.
But anyways I have to admit that I was truly devastated and heart broken by him. I thought he was my first love, but looking back he was my first lust. He had a nice body and big boionnig->; shall I say. So we’ll add that to my reasons list.
Humm..let’s, see what else?
Direct Loan was calling like everyday. I had no money to pay them.
Discover Card, Capital One and Fashion Bug, are some that you can add to the list of creditors calling me. If I couldn’t pay my student loan how could I pay them?
Do you know what it’s like to be hassled by creditors? Are have letter sent to you about arbitration. My GOD! The government should make it illegal. That’s a lot of pressure; and plus like you don’t know you owe money. And they’ll find you no matter where you go.
I was working 3 jobs. Only Lord knows what I did with that money. To this day have no idea? *blazed and dazed, maybe?*
I was still upset about not being about to go school get my degree. I felt it was my mom’s entire fault because she left my dad. I was still going thought the motion dealing with their pending divorce.
My sister was telling me I was a lazy ass. She might not have said it that harsh and it might not have been what she meant but that’s the way I took it.
My dad was bugging me to find a place of my own. Which I couldn’t do. I think my credit score was like a 480. I didn’t know it could get that low.
*BIG BIG frowns* Just thinking about it.
I felt that no one was there for me. That no one wanted to take the chance to understand what I was going though. I felt that everyone had their own vendetta out on me. My heart was broken I two spots and I didn’t understand or even know the steps to take to mend it.
So on December 11th. I woke up in tears … so I called my dad. He was always the one I knew could console me. Nope not that day. He basically told that he didn’t have time for my shit any more. I was so upset I could even talk to him and hung up on him to call me sister; to tell her how rude dad was and how heart broken I was. But instead of consoling form her; she told that I couldn’t have ever escorted to feet at my leisure. *gasp* that’s what everyone things of me today. F I N E!
I cried to GOD for understanding. I cried and cried and cried. I sat crying and screaming about why. I can’t take this any more. Those were going to be my last spoken words.
I’ll show them what I feel like. I went to the kitchen got a knife. Went to computer pulled up the internet; went to my email; clicked compose; clicked TO: ; found my dad’s and sister’s email address. Began to type:
I’m sorry.
I wish that thing weren’t the way they are.
I didn’t mean to cause you any pain. By the time you get this...
I stop to think about how they would feel when they got the email. And I got this sick joy that posted a huge smile on my face. Yah I’m got to do it. And I looked at the knife and though, what if it’s not sharp enough?
Then the computer shut off. Not the just the internet but the whole computer; nothing else in the house, just the computer.
I waited for the computer to reboot and for my email to load. But this time to didn’t click compose, I want to my inbox. And I see an email from Rufus that told that he’d been thinking about me and that he’d been trying to reach. He told me to call him as soon as I got the email; that he just gotten home and what to spend time with me.
Then I got this huge smile on my face, then cried, thinking, how could I be so selfish.
That email came at the right moment in the right day. Where would I be if it hadn’t?
To be Cont'd: OMG I Can't believe I Feel like This
I stop to think about how they would feel when they got the email. And I got this sick joy that posted a huge smile on my face. Yah I’m got to do it. And I looked at the knife and though, what if it’s not sharp enough?
Then the computer shut off. Not the just the internet but the whole computer; nothing else in the house, just the computer.
I waited for the computer to reboot and for my email to load. But this time to didn’t click compose, I want to my inbox. And I see an email from Rufus that told that he’d been thinking about me and that he’d been trying to reach. He told me to call him as soon as I got the email; that he just gotten home and what to spend time with me.
Then I got this huge smile on my face, then cried, thinking, how could I be so selfish.
That email came at the right moment in the right day. Where would I be if it hadn’t?
To be Cont'd: OMG I Can't believe I Feel like This
October 26, 2005
Baby David Died. He was 6 months old.
I had so much grief and sadness that I boxed away from a loss I had in January of that same year. It seemed to all come out. I seemed to be shattering all my relationships (the few that I had/have) and I may still be doing that. But I try to explain to those people what I’m going through and I don’t mean to take any angry out on them.
I’ll share the January story sometime later. People that know me know the story and it’s something I don’t really like playing through my mind. It hurts that same as the day it happened. I haven’t figured out why it happened but when David died it just made my mind wonder why these things happen even more.
