Christmas was tense. Since both of our parents knew that we were pregnant there was nothing good to say; so nothing was said at all. So, we all sat at the table ate food and looked at each other. We eat dinner at his parent’s house, then we visited my sister apartment and ate more food there.

My sister broke the tension. She suggested: You know what we should do, we should go to the movies next weekend…that should be fun right!? OOOHHH ! Maybe we could see Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events; that would be great for all of us plus we and take the kids!

With her suggestion it was like a weight was lifted off of our shoulders, but maybe a lot more then, at that time we realized.

The holidays flew by us and it seemed that people were getting more excited about the new person that would enter our families. I remember my sister rubbing my belly and saying, Hi little baby in there. And then I felt a flutter. I smiled!

New Year’s weekend came and our extend family came to our house and they stared at me. And then asked: what is that? You’re pregnant? Why didn’t you tell us? When are you due? What are you having? How many months are you? I was being interrogated.

What do I do?

I was so shocked by their surprise, all I could do is turn red and smile with embarrassment. Then my dad turns and says, Yah, we just found out too, dunno what she’s having, it’s a surprise. I think she’s due sometime in March.

Yup! That’s right. I’m thinking it, but could only smile again with embarrassment. And once again I got a disappointing looks. This time I didn’t know if it was because I didn’t tell them or if they were truly disappointed in me. That night was awkward.

January 3rd 2005, I believe was the Sunday after New Year’s Day that year. Which was the day of the movie outing. I was so looking forward to it! Right before we had gotten to the movie theater I enjoyed a glorious cup of a starbucks coffee; that I hadn’t had in over 5 months. *sigh* It was great, by the way, and I’ll forever remember that cup.

By the time we started walking from our car to the theater doors, I got nauseous – then my stomach started bubbling – I had to go – I didn’t care that I had to use a public restroom! I had to go!! Figuring that all that was because I hadn’t eaten in over 5 hours; I enjoyed some popcorn and a large Hi C Fruit Punch. And Once again I will never forget those presents.

What a great movie! We all loved it. We got up and started to move toward the exit. Once again, I got nauseous.

We got out the theater.

There’s a trash can. I was thinking. RUNNNN…..

SPLAT!! GAG! SPLAT!! GAG – GAG! EEEWWWW!! ...

that was nasty…

go get her some napkins; I hear my dad and my sister saying.

I will always remember that day in full. When I got home all I could do was lie down and run to the bathroom every few minutes. I was met with chills and hot flashes. Then I slept for a good while. When I think about it these days, I should have gone to the doctors. But then I think again I felt too sick to even to get up and ask someone to take me.

It must have been the Starbucks. It was then I vowed to never to have Starbucks again … well at least until I have the baby! The next day is when I believe it was over. These are the days I’ll remember.

January 14th 2005:

I had a 29 week appointment with my doctor. My belly measured small. I was instructed to come back that next Tuesday.

January 15th 2005:

We had gone baby stuff shopping. It the weeks prior to this (I don’t remember the days exactly) we had found a place to bring our new baby home to. We thought about getting a crib but I told him that it would not be enough space. We argued.

January 16th 2005:

I sat around the house all day and did nothing.

January 17th 2005:

Was Presidents Day. I watched my sister kids for her because she didn’t have the day off. Me and Rufus argued some more. The point we were arguing about was useless because in the back of my mind I knew we wouldn’t need it.

January 18th 2005:

I had my appointment with my doctor at 9:30 a.m. It didn’t go so well. She instructed us to go to the hospital right away and have them do an ultrasound. The clock ticks:

10:30 a.m. - We check in to the out patience care

10:45 a.m. - We wait for the ultrasound

10:55 a.m. - They call us back; start the ultrasound; they think they might able to tell the sex; excitement!

11:00 a.m. - Tears flood my face

11:15 a.m. – My doctor calls the ultrasound room at the hospital.

She said: I’m sorry. They too could not find the heartbeat. –Silence- Please, I need you to come back to my office so that we can talk about your options. OK. The call ends.

Tears stream down my face as we are leaving and Rufus says: maybe they don’t know what they are talking about; maybe your doctor will tell you something different?

I’m crying so hard at this point:

There is nothing different she can tell me - you - saw the baby didn’t move, the baby’s dead.

I really don’t think that he understood what I said.

11:48 a.m. – We sat in my doctors office for what seemed like forever, hoping to be called back and told that it was a cruel joke they were playing. It was probably about 12 or a little later when they called me back. My doctor came in with tears in her eyes. She hugged me hard, dropped her head and turned her back to me. Then she said:

I’m so sorry. There are no reasons why these types of things happen. I have to talk to you about your options. *sigh* …You can let your body process this baby naturally or we can induce you; for that I would give a pill and you’d wait a day and then go to hospital where we’d further induce. You take a few days and think about it, there is no rush. Take your time. Then if you decide to be induced you will have to make the decision on whether or not you will want to see your baby. She cried a little.

I said: I want to get this over with, I want to be induced.

She wrote a prescription, I left sad and heartbroken, hoping and praying that they would be wrong.

Rufus was outside the office on the phone. When I walked out - he got off and asked what she said. I told him I’d explain it in the car.

I told him.

I instantly cried harder then I’d ever. Instantly something disappeared in him.

My phone rang - it was my sister. I only remember crying and she saying… NO NO NO NO this can’t be happening.

My mom called, my dad called, I explained. And they were there in what seemed like an instant.

I looked at Rufus and laughed a little and said: I guess we won’t need that crib after all. I cried.

January 20th 2005:

Inauguration Day. BUSH. Induction. My Aunts birthday. Pain. Someone shares their story of their angel. I feel a little happiness. Pain. Epidural. Waiting. 11:28 p.m. My baby. A girl. She’s beautiful.

I held her tight for a long time. She had and mark around her neck and her left hand. It seemed like she got caught in her cord and that was want ended it.

I held her and I looked at her, her eyes where open and they were shining. Her mouth was open and it seemed like she wanted to say something. Her eye lashes were long. And she had a full head of hair with soft curls. She looked like she was alive. I remember at one point, I was patting her back and it looked like her eyes were blinking. Excitement was in me and I knew they were all wrong. But I stopped - they were right. Everyone was crying around me, I was crying. Then they took her from me; I think she was ready.

She weighed 1 pound and 11 ounces. She was 13 inches long. She looked like Rufus.

That day, the 20th, my baby was delivered form me and taken to GOD.

To be cont’d: What Happened Next and What I Believe

Ok. So, you know how I said that I would have his baby even if we weren’t together? Well 7/19/04 I took a home pregnancy test and guess what! I’m pregnant! You’re going to be a daddy!

We didn’t really try we just and we didn’t use any kind of prophylactic.

The initial thought of being a parent was great. I guess I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I didn’t know what kind of stress I was headed to. And I didn’t know how bad my heart would ach afterwards.

I think some time in August I had my 1st doctor’s appointment. I was really excited to know what I would expect. But when I went to the appointment they just check all the things that the “women” doctors check and then asked me if I was on any kind of birth control and if I want any?

Wait… I remember tell the lady on the phone three weeks ago that I was making an appointment because I asked I was pregnant. Why would I take birth control?

So the doc runs out the room and comes back and says that there was a mix up and that makes everything different. So then, I’ll see you in 4 weeks, OK!

As the weeks counted down and my hunger and belly grew; my are emotions swinging out of whack. I cried all the time. I felt nothing happy about this pregnancy. I guess it all just finally hit me that I was going to have a child and I didn’t know what kind of relationship me and the daddy would have.

Lord knows that I wanted him forever in me life.

It finally hit me that I didn’t make good money and I would not be able to support a child on my own. The slap my in the face (I wish I had sound effects) was that I wasn’t going to be able to tell my family, because I felt they thought I was a leech. And I didn’t want to here want I already knew. He doesn’t have a job, you barely make any money and I’m not going to support you and a child.

Boy how the truth hurts.

Let fast forward through this story, I don’t like telling this story because it leads to so much pain.

The Night my Dad Asked.

We had been goading each others nerves the past few weeks. He wanted me to move out and he wanted to move. He no longer wanted the house that reminded him so much of the hard work he put in for my mom.


>If you want me to leave, I’ll go to a homeless shelter I have no where else to go. The public housing waiting list is 2 years long and you already know I’m on it; I showed you the letter – and - I don’t make enough money to pay for an apartment and that doesn’t even matter because my credit score is too low for any one to consider me for an apartment.

Silence

For two weeks no words exchanged between us.

For three weeks, silence.

Week 4:

I’d seen my dad cry twice in my lift time and it was this week i figured out that I must have disappointed him some how. Could he know? My belly is getting bigger.

He’d called me into him room the night he asked and told me that I hurt his feelings and I made him feel that he was kicking me out when I told him I'd move to a homless shelter. I told him that was also the way he made me feel. And that me going to a homeless shelter would be the only solution to but our problems. He cried. I left and went back to my room.

Later that night he came down to the basement and paced between the laundry room and the TV area and finally stopped and said - are you pregnant?

I was frozen in fear of want my answer would be. Thinking to myself – I should lie. But if I lie what good would that do. What would be his next question if I lie? Just tell him a lie doesn’t matter.

YES! Shit that’s not what I meant to say.

He was shocked; I was shocked that I said it. Then disappointment teemed over his face and he spat about how important family is. And how important it was for me to have told him 4 ½ months ago. Then he told me that Rufus and I had a month to fine a place to live. >wow how was going to do that?<

And this is where the pain begins. This is where the little more comes into play.

To be cont’d: My Baby.

Pg. 155 -- Replaced with SOS

Pg. 322 -- Replaced with ***

I only 1st say the *** and googled it and found the SOS later.

I notice that depending on what book you have (ppb or HB) the SOS and *** appear on different pages but same chapter numbers so i have come up with this.

chapter 33 -- 3+3=6
chapter 71 -- 7+1=8 (assuming that chapter 70 has nothing to with the ***)

the numbers together are 68.

The year 68 is when The Gospel of Mark is written (probable date). I’ve breezed though what WIKIPEDIA has said about it and to me it sounds much like what Dan Brown has written about.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gospel_of_Mark

And to add

chapter 33

April 2, 33 is a suggested date of the last supper; April 3, 33 Crucifixion; April 5, 33 Resurrection; and more... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/33

Chapter 70 which is where the *** are

Fall of Jerusalem, AD 70

...Fulfillment of Christian Prophecy...Jesus on the destruction of Jerusalem ...
Many Christians believe that the events surrounding AD 70, in particular the Destruction of Jerusalem, are the fulfillment of Jesus' alleged prophecy approximately 40 years before the event took place. The Olivet Discourse prophecy is found in Luke 21, Matthew 24, and also the 'little Apocalypse' of Mark 13. Eusebius records in The History of the Church that the Christians who lived in Jerusalem at the time fled during the withdrawal of Cestius Gallus four years before the calamity took place.

Hi my name in Kendra and I have a problem.

*sob, sob, sob…sniffle [wipe a tears from my eyes] moan, sniffle*

humm…I love caffeine and humm, I seem to not be able to start my morning without it. I mean like every where I go I see starbucks and *sigh* , I just have to have a Vintte white mocha. No not just a Tall or Grande… And that Vintte must be a triple shot (1, 2, 3 shots) or it’s just not right.

You would think that coffee would be it but *sobbing hard, sniffle* I love energy drinks too and to top it off and I can drink two of those in a day and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

*howling cry* what am I going to do *howling*

I’m pulled off the podium.

10th grade – I knew him; the only boy allowed in my house without supervision
11th grade – I knew him; OFMG! My Dad likes him. WTF?
12th grade – I hated his girlfriend; we didn’t talk much.

I never knew of him ‘til those years, but he was always in my sight since elementary school.

The summer after we graduated we tried to hook-up; but he had just broke up with is girlfriend. So I was the rebound. But we kissed. And I wanted more, but he was going a way to school.

I worked for a year after we graduated. And after much debate with my mom about what school I was to go to, I ended up at Savannah College of Art and Design. My 1st choice was Pratt Institute; was I crazy for even asking to go? I didn’t even get a chance to explain that it was at the time, (don’t know if it still is) one of the number one art schools. But I got a big fat N N N O O O O O !New York; H E L L N O! But we have family there! It doesn’t matter, N O!

So anyways I want to SCAD in 2000 – he had a girlfriend; whom I don’t know was his girlfriend ‘til 3 months later. But I guess that didn’t really matter because I was with that person that stocked me. Which turned out that neither one of them like each other and that was the reason for the silent treatment.

You should know the story after this if you’ve read any of my blog. If not here’s a quick run down:

o Left SCAD 2001 (thanksgiving) – parents got divorced; really just separated.

o 2001- mid – late 2003 - is a complete mystery; I don’t know what I did (except for the big events); blazed and dazed?

If you wanna know more you have to read my blog form the beginning.

2003-

2003 is the year he saved me. They saved me. And I plummeted into LOVE! WOW! That’s really the only thing I can say to explain it best. I never ever ever ever in my life felt like this. I didn’t care that he had a girl. I wanted him for myself and myself only and I made sure that he knew that.

I don’t think that he though I was serious up until a year ago. I told him that I wanted to have he baby even if we ever never together. I told him that I always wanted to have a piece of him. It made my heart brake to even think that he would never be mine and I would have to take care of his child with out him by my side.

I cried a lot; it felt like I was going to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. There was only one person that I loved and wanted in my life. Nobody else could get the time of day for me to even think I would want to be with them. You know what the funny thing is; as much as I told men that I didn’t want them is seemed to make then want me more.

This a little off subject, but; I worked at a retail store where, when you bought stuff you had to put you home phone number in the system. Would you believe because I wouldn’t give out my number my male co-workers would go in the system and call my house! WTF! And an even crazier thing; I never ever realized that I was desirable . I always got made fun of in school and I guess that just made me continue to look down on myself as an adult.

To be Cont’d: He Took my offer. But give me a little more?

October 26, 2005

Baby David Died. He was 6 months old.

I had so much grief and sadness that I boxed away from a loss I had in January of that same year. It seemed to all come out. I seemed to be shattering all my relationships (the few that I had/have) and I may still be doing that. But I try to explain to those people what I’m going through and I don’t mean to take any angry out on them.

I’ll share the January story sometime later. People that know me know the story and it’s something I don’t really like playing through my mind. It hurts that same as the day it happened. I haven’t figured out why it happened but when David died it just made my mind wonder why these things happen even more.

Wow, I almost forgot about this place. But I'm back To share all my stories. Gosh so much has happened I don't even know where to start. *sigh*